It has been just over ten years for me. And my husband committed suicide- very publicly. I was left alone with my 1.5 year old son. I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. And, yes, people do not understand that grief has no timeline. But like others have said, you will find joy. Stop at nothing to find it for yourself. If you get a chance to look at my stories, Sea Turtles Saved my Life is about this topic and might offer you some solace.